


Letting Go

by CCaptainRex



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Clone Wars (2003) - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Jedi Reader, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs a Hug, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-13
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:56:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25886188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CCaptainRex/pseuds/CCaptainRex
Summary: Obi-Wan was once your best friend and your first love. What happened to that boy you knew?
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi/Reader
Kudos: 48





	Letting Go

"llum, the planet where all younglings will find their kyber crystal and start their path towards becoming Padawans; It's a sacred tradition, that passed down through generations, and-" Obi-Wan waves a hand in front of your face with a smile. 

"Shouldn't Master Yoda be leading the tour?" You'd been studying for this day your entire life. You'd interviewed countless Jedi, read every book there was, watched all the holovids, you wanted everything to go right today. After all, what's a Jedi without a lightsabre? 

"Young one, okay it is," Yoda responds with a smile. "Simply excited, she is." You beam at him as you bounce on the heels of your feet and approach an ice wall. "To enter, use the force we must. Together, focus the force." You knew about this - This was to protect the temple from any unwanted guests. Concentrated between you all, it easily cracks open and reveals the large room inside. 

The books don't prepare you for how...big it feels. Giant cloaked statues circle the room, along with massive carvings and you all stand in awe for a moment before Master Yoda raises his lightsabre. Despite seeing them attached to all Jedi, up close it's still just as awe-inspiring. "The Force made physical, a Jedi is. Comes great responsibility with that, yes?" There's a quiet murmur in the group. "Protect others, how does a Jedi, hmm?"

"Through the force?" Yoda laughs quietly at the reply. 

"Correct, yes. But with a lightsabre, also." There's a small cheer of excitement knowing that today's the day you finally get to start building your lightsabre."But first, harvest your crystal, each one of you must." Every crystal is unique to the Jedi, meaning no two are the same. Obi-Wan taps your hand and you share a smile. You'd been waiting for this day a long, long time. "The heart of the lightsaber, the crystal is." The crystal is also what gives the lightsaber it's colour. You wonder what yours will be. Blue? Green? Maybe something fancier, or rarer, too. "Focuses the Force from the Jedi, it does. If Jedi you are to become, enter the crystal cave, you must. Trust yourself, trust each other, and succeed, you will." You're glad for that - going alone seems fearful. If you're to work as a team, at least you'll have Obi-Wan beside you. 

It's unlike the Jedi to form attachments, but he's just so friendly and kind and, well, somewhat cute. You can't think about the last part, the fear that someone may hear your thoughts through the force. It's not like Jedi can't have urges or wants or feelings, it's that they can't act upon them. Yoda spins a giant crystal in the ceiling of the temple and a beam of light shines down and melts a giant ice door, which protects the caves. Once it's frozen over, apparently, you have to wait until the next rotation, which is what any Jedi to do the ceremony has told you. "Remain inside, do not, once you have found your crystal. Trapped, you will be, as daylight ends." 

"How will we get out?" Obi-Wan asks quietly, studying the door in front of them. 

"One rotation, you must wait." That will be one cold rotation, that's for sure. You abandon your bags and as a group approach the door, and you don't need to be a Jedi to feel the hesitation on everyone. "Which crystal is yours, you will know. Trust the force, you must." 

It's so much colder inside. Walking along the abandoned halls, it's hard to think that somewhere deep there are crystals hidden, and one just for you. You're destined to become a Jedi, that's why you've been trained, that's why you're here. But there's this deep feeling in your gut that says what if you won't find a crystal here? To be a Jedi you must have a lightsabre. What if you never find yours? What if the reason you're not seeing any is because you're not worthy? Obi-Wan shivers and snaps you from your thoughts. "I told you you should have dressed warmer!" 

"I didn't think it'd be this cold!" He shivers and tugs his lighter puffer jacket around himself. 

"It's an ice planet." He sticks his tongue out at you and you shove him. You did warn him it'd be cold, that's why you came with a thick down jacket borrowed from some padawan, it seemed like it'd keep you warm forever.

You continue down the path until it diverges, and you stare down two halls. "Well, seeing as you know everything," Obi-Wan places a hand on your shoulder. "Where should we go?" 

"It's unique to each person. Everyone has something to face in here. It's like a lesson you have to learn," You wonder what yours will be. What Obi-Wans will be. He's the perfect example of a youngling; you wouldn't be surprised if his crystal was handed to him on a silver platter. "So, whatever feels right, I guess?" 

"Let's go...Right?" There's a collective agreement and for a moment you forget the other younglings are there with you. You come across a room with three doors and feel panic well up - Which door? What happens if you pick the wrong one? Obi-Wan, ever the leader, takes a step back and looks around. "We should split up, and meet back here if anything goes wrong." You nod and Obi-Wan grabs your hand and pulls towards the left door. "We'll take this door." With six people, you easily split up. The new hallway is deathly quiet, and you try not to think about Obi-Wan's hand still in yours, and try to think about how it's just to conserve warmth. "So, how do you think we'll know?" Obi-Wan radiates energy, looking around in wonder.

"We just will." It's through the force, it's an understanding, it's..."Some say it's a whistle or a bright light, but you'll just know." 

You continue in silence down the dimly lit hall and try not to think about the clock counting down to that door freezing over. Obi-Wan stops at a stalagmite and pokes it. "I'm not seeing anything, are you?" 

"No." This whole time, you haven't seen anything close to a crystal. That fact doesn't help the panic tugging at your heart, but you don't want Obi-Wan to see that. "We must be patient, young one." You mock and share a laugh, his hand squeezing in yours. As you take another step the ground cracks underneath you and gives way, plummeting you into darkness. 

Underneath you is a pitch-black cavern and Obi-Wan grips your hand tightly from where he's trying to pull you up. The look on his face is nothing short of panic. "Are you alright?" 

"Yes," You answer shakily, eyes squeezed shut. "Please don't let me fall." 

"I'd never-" You can sense him trying to use the force but it's not working, it's like something ten times more powerful is pulling you down. Obi-Wan hisses fro where he lays and bites out a curse. "The floor is really sharp, you're slipping," You feel his grip loosening. 

"Please, Obi-Wan, don't let go." His face is full of fear as you look up and you feel him struggling to keep you from falling.Theres no doubt that if you fall, from this height, you might die. At the very least, you'll be injured. The thought that maybe other younglings might've died here brings tears to your eyes and you squeeze them shut again. Maybe this is your lesson, or maybe it's his. Suddenly, his face lightens up. 

"I need to drop you." You can't help the gasp that escapes you. You've never felt fear or panic this powerful and it causes your chest to cease.

"Obi-Wan, please, no, you can't-" You see him squint up as if looking at someone, and he looks back down at you with a smile. A smile! How could he be happy at this moment?

"I'm sorry, but I need to let go now." He doesn't even sound sad or upset about it as he lets your hand go and you plummet with a scream. He dropped you. He left you. Did he not care? What was his problem, letting you go so easily? You watch as he gets smaller and smaller and it's a heartwrenching feeling because he's letting you die. 

You squeeze your eyes shut before the impact and instead are stopped about a foot above the ground and slowly lowered. You sigh as you reach solid ground, but you're still surrounded in darkness. "Obi-Wan?" You call up and don't get an answer. The cavern has to be buried deep underground to the point that where you came in from is nothing but a speck in the sky. "Hello?" 

Silence meets you and you want to scream and cry. You're stuck in a pitch-black hole in the ground with no escape. And Obi-Wan left you here to go get his own stupid crystal. You reach a hand out and touch the wall, using it to guide you around to see if you can find an exit, but after a while, you know you're just going in circles. Your heart beats rapidly and you collapse to the ground with a gasp. Is this is it? Maybe you were right, and you're not supposed to be a Jedi. All this time and training wasted for you to be trapped forever in the dark. Will they even come looking for you? You can tell time is running out, and let a few tears slip. You're supposed to be calm and collected, but it's hard when everything feels like it's crumbling around you. You wrap your arms around your knees and rock slowly, willing yourself to try and get out of this situation.

Your worst fear has come true. You are not a Jedi, or at least won't become one. Destined for greatness? What a load of bantha crap. All you were destined for now was to freeze over in a pit. How wonderful. You try to meditate, to calm yourself through the force, but all you feel is desperation and nothingness like the force abandoned you at this moment too. 

You'll never be a Jedi. You can't even wield the force, don't have a crystal, it's like the galaxy wants you to fail. There's a small flicker of a thought, of hope and you pull on it. The thought doesn't feel like yours, almost, like some whisper in your ear or a whisper from the force.

What if this is your test? 

What if the force knows your doubts and is using that as your test to find the crystal? After all, any good Jedi will have doubts, but the great ones will see past them. You calm your breathing and sit in a proper meditation stance, letting calm radiate over you. You'd trained since you were little, you were chosen to come here, every Jedi has a crystal and you are a Jedi.

You are a Jedi. A keeper of peace, a wielder of the force. You don't need stupid Obi-Wan, you just need yourself and the force. Like some weight is lifted off your shoulders, you can sense the force again and feel something different pulling to you. Opening your eyes, you're shocked to see a glowing crystal across the room, right next to a door. How you ever missed it, you don't know. Maybe it wasn't there a minute ago. You gently take the crystal in your hand with a smile. You are a Jedi. 

You follow through and door and up weird stone stairs and take a few turns and your back at the door, ice a good 3/4's of the way down. You slide under it with a grin and wave your crystal at the group. "I got mine!" You see Obi-Wan and all that happiness is sucked from you as you watch him show off his crystal to one of your peers and doesn't even lookup. You forgot about him in that moment, and how he let you go, but now it comes back full force. He really let you fall without knowing if you'd survive, and now he won't even look your way. 

"Congratulations, youngling." Yoda taps his cane on the ground with a smile, knocking you from your raging thoughts. "Remain, one does." You turn back and hear footsteps approach before they literally slide underneath it with a gasp. You help them to their feet with a smile and turn back to Master Yoda, who motions for everyone to gather around. You try not to cry when Obi-Wan doesn't come to your side like he always does. "Lessons, you have learned today." Yoda points his cane down the line of you. "Tranquility, Abandonment," His cane hovers over Obi-Wan as he says that and you want to rage. How did he learn abandonment? He's the one who let you go. "Patience, Self-worth," His cane hovers over you as he says it and you let your anger go. You did it, you're a Jedi and you'll have your lightsaber. You don't need Obi-Wan to fulfil any of that. "Honour and Trust. Proud, I am. Keep safe, those crystals." 

On the flight back, Obi-Wan doesn't sit next to you. When you create your lightsabers he doesn't care when yours is done. Whatever happened in that cave meant you lost your best friend, but gained hope. You just wonder what happened to make him like that, so distant and cold that he just let you go like it was nothing. 

\------

It'll be twenty years and a battlefield later to have another conversation with him. You'd grown up, become a padawan, a Jedi knight, a master, and swore to never talk to him again to save yourself any agony. The Clone Wars are raging, and they want everyone out fighting on the frontlines, but you stay behind to mentor the younglings and see over their training. Maker knows you needed someone to relate to back then besides ancient men. 

But sooner than later they'll need more help, so they pin you to a relief effort with the 212th. Another new addition to the world are clones, bred to fight and die for the republic, and you're somewhat repulsed by how they are treated - They make their own names, they aren't paid, they don't have any leave time, they're like more fleshy versions of droids than humans. "General!" 

"At ease, soldiers." You smile and take in the crowd in front of you. "Today's campaign is a relief effort, so we want as little casualties as possible - Your primary objective is to get these supplies to the civilians, not destroy droids." 

"Though, if you do come across some droids...Feel free to dispose of them as you wish." God, he hasn't changed. Same auburn hair, same scratchy beige robes, same irritating swagger to his step - The beard is new, though. You try to calm the anger that still springs up every time you see him. "Long time no see, General." 

"Always the brute, hm? Can't go one mission without breaking something?" He laughs at that and comes to stand beside you, which is new. He hasn't done that since before Ilum. 

You can put away childhood grudges for a mission, but maker, if he does just one thing wrong you might snap and break him. "I haven't seen you on a battlefield before." 

"I'm usually in the temple training the younglings." He nods as he strokes his beard. Battle wasn't what you signed on for when you became a Jedi, and you made sure the council knew that. Today was the first, and rare, exception.

"Typical, you always had your nose stuck in those books." It should be friendly banter but something in it strikes a nerve with you. "Taken on a padawan yet?" 

"No, actually." You're waiting for the right one to come along to train. As much as you love working with them, there needs to be a balance between a master and their padawan. "How about you, how's the chosen one doing?" 

He scowls at you and you smile back. Maker, the chosen one! Prophesised to bring balance to the force! Of course, Obi-Wan, the golden child, would be given such an honour to raise him. "He's fine. Now, don't we have more important things to do than sit around and bicker all day?" 

You turn back to giving orders to the troops and that childhood anger rises to the surface again. It shouldn't, it's not the Jedi way. But when he looks at you and makes fun like you used to all you feel is pain. It's no longer anger, even. Just pain. Because you remember those days when it was you and Obi-Wan against the world when you were inseparable. Why did it all have to end? You watch the troopers march off, and you turn back to him. There's grey hairs in his hair and it makes you take a moment to see the man he's grown into. "My, we've gotten old, haven't we?" 

"We definitely have. Who would've thought we'd live to see this?" He gestures to the commotion around you. 

"Or to see that beard." He rolls his eyes with a smile. "Seriously, how long did that take you?" 

"Haha, I'm well past puberty now." He looks around before leaning in to whisper. "A good five years." You laugh, a genuine laugh, and miss him more than ever. 

He's looking at you and you're sucked back to that day on Ilum where he held your hand and looked at you like you were the only girl in the world. "What happened to us?" 

"We grew apart." Is the quiet reply and you want to smack him. "It's a natural thing that happens." 

"Oh sure, it's natural to drop your best friend into a pit." You can't help the snark that escapes you. He seems surprised and turns to look at you. 

"Seriously? You're still angry about that?" He looks almost disgusted and you want to punch him in his perfect little face. 

"You abandoned me with no choice. I thought I was going to die, and you didn't even look upset. You let me plummet into darkness and then you left." You snap, and he scoffs. "What? That not enough? Then, when I do escape, you won't even look me in the eye. You didn't talk to me, this is the first conversation we've actually had in over twenty years." 

He stills and folds his arms, always defensive and held back, even to the detriment of himself. "I did what I had to to get my crystal." 

"That's the most pathetic excuse I've ever heard." You start to walk away and his hand snaps out to hold onto your wrist. 

"It was either you or the crystal, alright? I couldn't save you and get the crystal. My challenge was to let go of my attachments and only then did I get mine. I knew you'd be safe, and afterwards, I had to keep the promise to myself to not get attached again." You stand in shock and turn to look him in the eyes. 

"You could've told me. Maker, if you had said so I would've let go myself in a heartbeat for you. All I got was 'I need to let go'. That's it. I was terrified, Obi-Wan." It's so strange to say his name and he looks just as shocked to hear it. 

He now looks away, unable to meet your eyes. Pain, sadness, they radiate off of him. "I did what I had to. I got my crystal and I became a Jedi."

"And I lost my best friend." You can see him shatter at those words as you slip your hand from his grip. "I think it's best if we don't command this mission together." 

"Wait, I'm-" You're already walking away. Because he's right. You two were almost too attached. He needed to let you go but now? Now you're on the verge of running into his arms again. You want to cry and scream because it's not fair, but you have to keep your head up and help set up the crates for disposal. He doesn't follow you. 

\------

There's a gentle knock at your door in the temple, and you expect it to be a padawan come to ask a question or maybe someone calling you to go to your next mission. "Come in!" What you don't expect is Obi-Wan, looking downright miserable. "Master Kenobi-" 

"Obi-Wan." He whispers quietly. "Please. Call me Obi-Wan." Maker, he sounds broken and desperate and you hate how you revel in the sound, happy he's finally feeling the pain that he caused. But deep down you want to reach out and comfort him and hold him. 

"What's wrong?" His eyes don't meet yours as they stay on the ground. "Are you hurt?" 

"No, no. I-I'm sorry. I never meant, back then, I was stupid, and I hurt you, I'm so sorry, I was just doing what I thought was right-" He's rambling and wringing out his hands, a nervous wreck and he jumps when you take his hands in yours. He's not doing any good if he hyperventilates before he can put together a coherent sentence. 

"It's alright, deep breaths with me." He matches your breathing, and you're surprised to find that his hands in yours feel the same as they did all those years ago. You thought they'd change, or it would feel wrong, but it's perfectly normal. "I understand why you did what you did, Obi-Wan. No one can blame you for it." It was his mission. Jedi can't form attachments, and you two were closer than you ever should've been. But that doesn't dismiss what he did. "There's a part of me that's still hurt, however." 

His eyes water and he slips his hands from yours to wipe them away. "I really like you." You're taken aback by the words. "I really, really liked you and I got attached and I thought maybe severing it would make things better but it never did and now I've ruined everything and I'm so so sorry and I understand if you'd never forgive me but please, I've spent twenty years without you. Don't make me go through that again." 

"I'll always forgive you, Obi-Wan." He _likes_ you. He said he really likes you and all you want to do is squeal. Instead, you wipe away some of his tears with the pad of your thumb. You know you both can't go back to the way things once were, or how you want them to be, but you can be friends. Even if that's all you'll ever be, you're more than happy to be friends once again. "Would you like a hug?" 

"Maker, you have no idea." He engulfs you in a giant hug and holds you there. He shakes in your arms, gripping onto you like if he lets go, you'll disappear. You don't know how long exactly you stand just holding onto each other but by the time he pulls away all of his tears have dried. 

"Can I offer you some tea?" He smiles softly and nods. You'd always drink tea, late at night as a youngling and on more than one occasion did Obi-Wan join you. "I'm assuming your tastes haven't changed?" 

You start to boil the water as he laughs. "No, not at all. Thank you." He sits in your mini-makeshift living room with a smile. Your quarters are small, but you make the most of it. Old chairs, a wooden desk, a small bed. Obi-Wan peers around, looking between the countless books stacked around the framed photos on the wall. None are of him. "Quite cozy." 

"Well, we aren't given much, but I try to make it as much of a home as I can." You hand him a mug and sit opposite him. "So, what've I missed in the twenty years we've been apart?" 


End file.
